


Fallen to Pieces

by lightmydarkness (Juliya)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I hope, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, NO Lisa, Post Season 5, Rain, Romance, Translation Available, different ending, hurt in the first half and comfort in the second and enough fluff to suffocate both with it, i mean i tried my best so yeah, like she isn't even mentioned by name by anyone, no Lisa/Dean, romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-20 00:51:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5986728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliya/pseuds/lightmydarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel missed Dean. More than he should. But he couldn't go to him, he mustn't. Because Dean was happy with his new life. And Castiel could only watch him...</p><p> </p><p>Or: how Cas is a bit of a creepy stalker in front of Lisa's house, it's raining and both of them are oblivious pining idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Over

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Zerfallen](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/175521) by Juliya. 



> I wrote this fanfic originally in german and translated it to english. I don't have a beta yet, so there may be some grammatical mistakes. 
> 
> If anybody volunteers to beta it, I'd love the help!
> 
> This will have 9 chapters in two parts: the first half will be mostly Cas and his thoughts, the second one will add Dean and some action.  
> The Song is She Wolf from David Guetta, I got the idea while listening to it, but it doesn't actually take up that big of a part in the story since this whole thing became quite a bit longer than intended in the beginning...

 

Castiel stood in front of Lisa's house, invisible, in the pouring rain. He did not move, just stared inside through the kitchen window, where Dean was sitting. With Lisa and Ben. With his new family.

The angel turned up the collar of his trench coat. A for him very unusual gesture, unnecessary, like most of his movements.

He didn’t do it to protect himself from the lashing, icy rain. He was not cold. Not externally.

He did it because he was freezing. Internally. Because his soul, his immortal angel soul, was shivering with cold.

 

 

_A shot in the dark_

_A past lost in space_

_And where do I start_

_The past and the chase_

‘What happened? How could this happen? Is everything over now? Did you forget everything that was, all that we experienced? Just like that left behind you?

Dean?

The past, all this time, all these years... Even to me it has meant something. It was the best time in my existence. And I am an angel. I'm an angel, Dean.

I have been existing for eons. And yet these few years meant more to me than anything else. Do you understand?

I'm an angel, Dean. I cannot forget. Even if I wanted to.

But what about you?

It was your life. The chase, the fight, you grew up with it. They make you out. How can you give them up?

Sam is gone, Dean. But how can you give _him_ up so easily? That you have never done before. Why are you doing it now? How can it be over for you? Do you want your life, everything you were, all you did, to become nothing but a shadow of the past that is lost in the flow of time?

Do you want to forget Sam, Dean?

Do you want to forget me?'

 

 

_You want to be gone_

_Like a wolf, a predator_

_I feel like a deer in your lights_

 

 

‘What shall I do now? Where shall I go? The hunt is over, right? The Apocalypse. And now?

Dean?

I don’t know. Because it is like this, Dean: I'm just like you. My past is lost. Lost, in Heaven, on Earth, perhaps just in time and space. I don’t know.

I can’t go anywhere anymore. Because along with my past, I have also lost my home. I have lost everything, Dean.

You left. You wanted to leave. You wanted to surrender. Maybe it's better this way. Because now you're there, Dean, in this house, and you have someone who holds you.

You got a new beginning.

But where am I to begin? For my hunt has not yet ended, does not feel that way. But to be honest, I do not feel like the hunter. That was always you, Dean. You were the hunter, the warrior, the enemy of evil. You were the wolf on the prowl.

A metaphor, isn’t it? I apparently did learn something in my time here. In my time as a human being. I've learned a little humanity. That it was what you always wanted, right? Teach me what it means to feel.

In this short time, Dean, as a human being, I have learned. I learned about pain and anger, despair and... fear.

I learned to fear, Dean, fear for everything. For our mission, for Sam, for Bobby.

I feared Michael and Lucifer.

I feared for me, for my pathetic, human turned life. I was…

Well, how would you call it, if you could hear me, Dean?

I felt like wild game, like a deer, already standing in the headlight of the hunter.

But Dean, to my great luck, this hunter was... you.

But I was still terrified. Terrified, Dean.

I was no longer an angel.

And I feared for you.

More than anything else.'

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still in the middle of translating and betaing myself, so I don't know exactly when the next chapter will be ready.
> 
> In the meantime, leave me some kudos or comments and tell me what you think!


	2. Lost

 

 

 

_You loved me and I froze in time_

_Hungry for that flesh of mine_

_But I can’t compete with the she-wolf_

_Who has brought me to my knees_

_What do you see in those yellow eyes?_

_'Cause I'm falling to pieces_

 

 

‘You were so much for me. You still are. You mean so much to me, Dean. Have you ever even realized this? Have you noticed it?

Dean... I've done everything for you. I sacrificed everything for you. I was always there for you, I gave up everything.

I went through Hell for you. And you wanted to kill me, Dean.

I came to Earth for you. And you began to trust me.

I fought for you, Dean. And you became my friend.

I killed my brothers and sisters for you.

I betrayed Heaven for you. Heaven, Dean, can you as a human even understand what that means for an angel, for me?

I fell for you. I became a human, Dean, and so alike you...

And... I died for you. I was dead, Dean.

And you…

I thought it had become more, Dean, after I woke up in that hospital and called you. You sounded so glad, so happy for one second - and I thought, I actually thought...

Suddenly the time itself seemed to hang suspended. Everything seemed to freeze. You sounded so incredulous, so relieved.

And I thought it had become more. _We_ had become more.

I don’t know when this feeling started which is now burning inside me and can’t be extinguished by anything again. Somewhen it suddenly was there.

I didn’t know what it was for a long time. I know Dean, you think I'm naive... who knows... maybe I am. It took me so long before I realized what this tingling in my stomach meant, this desire to protect you that grew stronger and stronger until it covered everything else. This urge to be near you. This happiness that flowed through me every time I was allowed to touch you, even if it was only for a second.

And Dean, I thought... I thought you felt the same. When I heard your voice, after I had recurred, its sound - I forgot everything else, my pain, my hunger, this itchy mosquito bite, even my... humanity.

For there were you, and your voice spoke of such relief and affection. And I hoped, I prayed, and for a moment I was so sure...

But Dean, that was a lie. Because you didn’t feel it. What was I to you, Dean? Certainly a comrade, a companion, perhaps a good friend, possibly almost a brother, but I was not...

I was never –

You needed me, Dean. This is now clear to me. You needed me.

But no more than that. You needed an angel, you needed my more and more dwindling heavenly powers, you needed the knowledge that I possess, you needed a fighter at your side.

But you did not need this tingle in your stomach, this feeling when you looked at me, you did not need the excitement that an accidental touch caused.

You required a warrior. You needed my combat strength. You needed my body, my vessel, my flesh ... but not like that.

And you needed Me. But also not like that. You needed me for the war, the wolf lusted for strengthening. For prey. For additional power.

I was useful to you, Dean.

And maybe you liked me.

But not more, Dean. Not more…

I would do anything for you, Dean, I, I _have done_ anything for you.

I have nothing left, I can’t give you more. I've already put everything at your feet...

But it was not enough. It never was. Never.

I have never been sufficient.

_I_ never was enough...

But She. She is. She is everything for you, Dean. And I can’t keep up with Her. I can’t even compare myself with Her. She is so much more for you than I am. She is all you need.

Because She is not a warrior, She is not a fighter.

She holds you, She carries you, She catches you. I can see it, through this window there, Dean, how you smile at Her. She has become your support, your backup.

I could do that, Dean. I'm sure I could do that too.

But you do not need me. You need Her, Her peace, Her calm, maybe even Her innocence, Her ignorance...

But still, Dean, I could be all that too... I could... I would be... if you would just want it... if you only would permit it - _me_...

And still, She is you so much more than I am. She is so much more worth to you.

She can help you, maybe She can even heal you from all those wounds in your soul.

Because in Her way She is also a wolf, and you need Her. You have lost your pack, you have lost Sam. She can replace what you lack. She gives you what you need. She's your new companion.

You were always on the road, Dean, you had no permanent home, no place to which you could return. Like a wolf you were always on the tramp, went from one town to the next. You could not find peace. You could not find rest.

But now…

She gave you a place to which you can come home to. She gave you a sanctuary. And you found a new home, a new pack. You have settled down. The wolf interrupted his foray, forsook its eternal hunt.

And now you're there, with Her.

The wolf and his mate.

I like allegories, Dean. You've taught them to me, and I'm sure you would laugh at me if you knew how many times I use them by now. And maybe also because of the image which I compare you to. Would you like it, Dean?

Would it even interest you at all? Or is it over?

Have you expelled me from your life completely? Did you banish the memory of me because it only causes you pain?

I have lost. I admit it, Dean. I have lost against a human, a simple human woman. I, an angel.

I concede it, Dean. She has forced me to my knees. She has defeated me, devastatingly so. This fight is over, and She emerges victorious from it.

I've lost, Dean. This most important of all battles I had already lost before the fight even began. I never had a chance, right? As much as I hoped, prayed...

You chose Her.

But tell me Dean, what, just what do you see in Her?

Just what do you see when you look in Her eyes that you are following Her so will-less?

Because with that you have destroyed me.'

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second part done, yay!  
> Still don't have a Beta, so it's just my own english here.   
> What's really hard is that I use a lot of german words that don't have an english translation. The closest it gets is 'even' or 'anyway', but that's not exactly what I meant. So I have to kick off more formulations than I thought I'd have to. I'm getting a bit of a headache over 'nur', 'denn' and 'auch'. And don't even start with 'doch' ;-)  
> Buuut I'm on it!
> 
> So leave me some feedback please!


	3. Broken

 

 

_I'm falling to pieces_

_I'm falling to pieces_

_I'm falling to pieces_

_Falling to pieces_

‘I thought the worst thing that could befall an angel is to lose his Grace. But I was wrong. That pain was nothing compared to what I feel now. What I can feel, thanks to you. You've taught me this, Dean. To feel. To be Human.

Why do I have to suffer for it now?

Why do I have to endure this pain, throbbing in my chest and reminding me of you again with every beat of my heart?

Having a broken heart. Another human figure of speech. You said it so often, but I've never understood it. How can a heart break? It's just another part of the body, not of the soul. You and Sam, you used this phrase sometimes in jest. You've tried to explain it to me, but I did not understand. Once again.

Now I understand.

And I think... I have a broken heart.

You broke my heart, Dean.

Without knowing it, you have again taught me something new about the human race - that emotional pain becomes physical suffering when it is too strong to bear it.

And Dean, this is a lesson that I could have done without.

I can’t go on anymore, Dean. I can’t bear it any longer. Seeing you, wanting to be close to you, closer than I am able to be...

It breaks me apart. I’m breaking apart with this unfulfillable wish to enfold you in my arms like She does, to look in your eyes and find in them the same feeling that is raging and burning within me.

But I can’t let you go, I can’t release you. Even if it hurts so much, even if it still aches so much.

I want to go, but I can’t, I don’t have the heart for it, which begins to beat faster every time I just spot you briefly through this window.

I’ve been standing here for a long time, Dean. I've been watching you since you went to Her.

And I know that it is wrong. Wrong to be here. Wrong to be secretly watching you.

Wrong to still hope.

And maybe... maybe it's even wrong to feel what I’m feeling.

Is it wrong, Dean? Can it be? Because even though it hurts so much, even though this feeling pains me so much that I want to scream my agony heavenwards – even though I almost believe it's going to kill me eventually - still, Dean, in spite of all this it feels better than anything I've ever felt before.

It's better than anything else on this world or in Heaven.

Even better than hamburgers.

Dean…

This feeling I have...

The one that doesn’t let me go, that haunts me day and night, that keeps me here, even though it hurts to see you...

This feeling is...

It is... love.

I love you, Dean.'

 


	4. Abandoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of the first half! After this, we leave Cas' world of sad, sad thoughts and go on to some action and an almost disturbing amount of fluff. Enjoy!

 

_Did she lie and wait_

_What I bait to pull you in_

_The thrill of the kill_

_You feel, as a sin_

_Alone with the wolves_

_And now it seems,_

_I thought I was part of you_

 

 

‘What was all that about? Is it coincidence that it all ended like this? That you're there now, having turned your back on your old life?

No, I can’t believe that. Chance, Dean? Is there even such a thing?

My doubts are still there, Dean. They never let me go. And so I doubt even now. Was all this perhaps even planned?

By Father? To finally allow you find your happiness, to give you your peace?

Or even from Her?

I know you knew Her long before me. Was there already this connection between you back then?

Did She just wait for you to give up and come to Her? Did She count on it?

Did She lay in wait, ready to reappear at the right moment?

Maybe She knew. Before me, before Sam, maybe even before yourself. Maybe She already knew at that time that you would one day return to Her. When it's over. When it’s at an end. When _you_ are at an end.

But if it was indeed so, Dean, and She knew that...

Then it means that everything you had to do - what you had to do because of me - just drove you further on to Her.

It means that I was Her involuntarily a means to an end. I was just bait to lure you into the trap.

Oh Father, it means that it's my fault. My own fault that you're there now. By the obligations that I have laid upon you, I have driven you only further to Her.

Oh Dean...

Please... forgive me…

Forgive me…

I would give everything if you didn’t have had to do that.

I know that you have suffered. That you had to suffer in silence, without ever revealing your feelings.

The hunt was your life, yes... and I know you have enjoyed it, you loved this life... and hated it at the same time...

I know that you enjoyed the thrill of fighting, of killing. As if you would take revenge on these creatures, for everything that was ever done to you. For everything that you had to suffer.

You had this triumphant twinkle in your eyes, and this grim smile on your face.

But still, Dean, I could see how you've tortured yourself. You imposed such heavy loads upon yourself, a heavier burden than I would've ever charged you with.

And behind the thrill and the joy that you had with the hunt, there was all this suffering.

You've seen yourself as a monster, as one great sin. You could not see why you're worthy to live, why I saved you, you of all people.

Oh Dean...

All these self-doubts, this burden on your shoulders that you have imposed on yourself...

I still do not understand. How can you believe that you are not worth saving?

I know you feel guilty, Dean. Guilty for the death of your father, for the Apocalypse, for Sam's death...

I know you feel guilty because I fell. But Dean, I did not fall because of you, I fell _for_ you...

And now, now that Sam is gone and can’t free you no longer from this guilt, these sins that you charge yourself with, now that you hunt alone, lost your pack...

Now that I couldn’t pull you out of the darkness anymore either that was reaching for you more and more...

Now She is here. And She can do it, She can free you, She can redeem you.

And in the beginning I endorsed it, because I saw how it helped you to find your way back.

I know that you promised Sam, you've vowed to return to Her. I knew it, and I did not do anything about, I thought it would be best for you.

I saw how She took you in, and I said goodbye to you. And then I left, disappeared from your life.

I left, but I never abandoned you. I still watch over you, Dean, even if you don’t see me. I'm always there, and I'm waiting for you call me back to you.

But I wait in vain. Do you no longer need me? Did you forget me? Did you really forget everything that was?

I can’t go, I have to protect you, watch over you, still. But you don’t need me anymore. What was I to you?

Why don’t you pray for me, Dean? Why don’t you pray for me anymore?

Yes, I left, and I was hoping that you would never have to ask for help again. Because I wanted to give you a happy life, to compensate for what the world took from you, even if that is impossible.

But I didn’t think you would... never pray for me again...

Dean, in the past you so often prayed to me. I don’t want to believe that you actually only did it for this one reason. That you only called me when you needed a soldier.

My mind tells me that I’m kidding myself, that I lie to myself when I think something else, but my heart, this wildly beating human thing just has no understanding...

Dean, I don’t want, I just can’t give up this hope...

And yet it doesn’t change anything.

Because you do not pray for me, Dean, you don’t pray for me anymore.

I miss it. I miss to be with you, to fight and to plan with you, to misunderstand you and to learn new things from you...

I miss you, Dean.

Because I thought we belonged together.

I thought I would belong to you.

I thought I was a part of you, Dean...'

 

 

_You loved me and I froze in time_

_Hungry for that flesh of mine_

_But I can not compete with the she-wolf,_

_Who has brought me to my knees_

_What do you see in those yellow eyes?_

_'Cause I'm falling to pieces_

 

 

‘I thought I was a part of you, Dean.

How could I have been so wrong?'

 

 

_I'm falling to pieces_

_I'm falling to pieces_

_I'm falling to pieces_

_Falling to pieces_


	5. Seeing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter took long! I was was really busy with writing papers for university, and I'll have to get back to it soon enough. But anyway: Here is the beginning of the second part!

 

Castiel looked mournfully towards the house. The rain tugged at his trench coat, but the angel ignored it. He watched as Lisa and Ben got up and left the kitchen to go to sleep, while Dean entered the hallway.

The front door opened seconds later, and Dean came out. With a trash bag in his hand, he stopped under the canopy and watched the rain fall.

Castiel knew that he soon would take a deep breath, square his shoulders and step into the icy rain. Dean would run to the trash can, would tear it open and then thump the bag into it, cursing loudly while rushing back into the house.

As he always did when it was raining.

But today Dean did not run. On the contrary.

Slowly, as if he had all the time in the world he stepped out into the stormy rain, almost strolled through the garden. After a few steps he stopped and put his head back, let the cold raindrops patter on his face.

Castiel watched him with a mixture of fascination and confusion.

Dean usually never did this.

By now Dean’s clothes were completely soaked, his shirt stuck to his chest. It didn’t seem like he cared. Lost in thought, he opened his eyes and looked up at the clouded sky.

Castiel began to worry. He came closer, stopped in front of the garden fence.

Dean sighed softly, then lowered his head again, wiping the rain from his face.

And when he looked up, it seemed to Castiel as if for just a second - only for a brief moment - as if he would look him right in the eye.

The angel's heart skipped a beat, and a sharp pain shot through his chest.

Slowly Dean resumed his way again and finally stopped in front of the trash can, in which - with a little less enthusiasm than usual - he chucked the trash.

And as the lid of the garbage can fell closed, Castiel came to a decision.

With a soft rustle of feathers he gave up his invisibility, in the exact second when Dean’s gaze brushed over him again.

The hunter froze. Castiel had expected to see surprise on his face, perhaps shock or anger. But there was nothing. Nothing at all.

Dean's face was absolutely blank as he looked at him.

Castiel stared back.

The seconds dragged on, and the angel became more restless with every passing moment. It had been the wrong decision after all, he shouldn’t have done that. Dean didn’t want him here.

Because otherwise the hunter would have already responded somehow, would have said something.

Castiel swallowed, again a much too human gesture for the angel.

He should leave again. He should ask Dean for forgiveness and go.

But when the angel drew air to utter these heavy words Dean’s eyes widened, and suddenly there was this expression of surprise on his face that Castiel had searched for.

Dean blinked incredulously, his mouth opened without saying a single word.

And then Castiel heard a whisper so low that it was almost lost in the brawl of the rain.

"Cas...?"

The angel’s lips curled into an unfamiliar smile as he answered almost as quietly.

"Hello Dean..."

And suddenly something entirely different showed on Dean’s face.

Real, unrestrained joy.

Castiel barely had time to catch and analyze this change as Dean already jumped to the fence, tore open the gate and rushed straight into him.

At least Castiel thought that was what happened until he felt Dean close his arms around him and pull him into a tight hug.

This the angel had not expected, and so he stood stiffly for long moments, until he finally, reluctantly also put his arms around Dean.

He had also not expected that Dean, rather than letting him go after a few seconds from the brotherly embrace, would draw him even tighter him into it.

The rain pattered on their heads and a distant rumble of thunder moved through the night, while Castiel, abandoning himself to an impulse, pulled Dean even closer, and Dean’s shoulders started to barely noticeably tremble.

He laid his head on the shoulder of the angel and buried his face in his trench coat. Castiel felt how Dean was shaking, and it took him a moment to realize that it was not because of the freezing rain.

Then he heard a faint, desperate murmur at his neck.

"Sam is dead, Cas... Sammy is dead..."

And Castiel didn’t have an answer to that. Because there was nothing he could say to Dean, nothing that would help him.

"I know Dean. I know”, he whispered. Dean’s fingers buried themselves deep in the fabric of Castiel's trench coat, he pressed his face even harder against Castiel's shoulder. The angel knew that Dean was grieving, that he probably just bit his lower lip to suppress a sob. It hurt to see Dean like this, so hurt and so broken.

Castiel had thought that he had gotten better. Was his appearance to blame that Dean, the self-controlled, reserved Dean, now collapsed like this?

The angel gently stroked Dean’s back the same way he had so often observed with the humans when they wanted to comfort each other.

He had again done something that only hurt his friend.

Did he really do everything wrong?

Castiel continued to stroke Dean’s back soothingly, trying at the same time to help Dean and to apologize that he again had invaded his life.

They stood like this for a while, the angel completely absorbed in thought, a still trembling, but otherwise completely motionless Dean tightly hugged to him.


	6. Feeling

 

The wind howled and tugged at their hair and their soaked clothes, and the rain seemed to grow even stronger. Castiel ignored all that.

The only thing he noticed was the small movement at his shoulder, the hands that loosened their grip without letting him go, and the short hair that tickled his cheek as Dean raised his head a bit.

"Cas, I...“, he muttered after a moment, but didn’t go on.

"Yes Dean?", the angel asked worried and also loosened his embrace without releasing it. He still couldn’t see Dean’s face, and that made him a little nervous.

"I... I'm... sorry...", Dean almost swallowed the last syllable, Castiel had trouble understanding him.

And when he had understood, he still didn’t comprehend it.

"What are you sorry for, Dean?"

He heard a small sound at his shoulder, which probably should have been a snort, but sounded more like a quiet sob.

"This, you genius... I normally greet my friends sorta different."

And this answer calmed the angel down more than any detailed explanation could have done.

"That doesn’t matter, Dean. It's my fault, you don’t need to apologize. I didn’t know what reaction my appearance would trigger, please forgive me.” Castiel was silent for a moment and turned his eyes to the sky, before he quietly added, more to himself than to Dean. “I shouldn’t have come."

The whispered words threatened to be drowned in the sound of the rain again, and Castiel knew that he had to let Dean go soon and then disappear. And this time forever. He would cause his best, his only friend no more pain. Never again.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, and this small movement startled the angel. He had indeed become very human, almost too much.

That he should never have let happen either. Then he would never have committed himself so much to Dean.

Dean…

Slowly the angel reappeared from his thoughts. The rain pattered on his face. Castiel slowly lowered his eyes - and met two wide-open green eyes staring at him aghast.

Only now he registered the firm grip with which Dean had grabbed the lapels of his trench coat. His own arms still held Dean in a loose embrace, and Castiel was absolutely unwilling to end this embrace any time soon.

Castiel looked from Dean's bright green eyes to his slightly trembling lips where a last spot of red could be seen, just being washed away by rainwater. He became aware that Dean had to have bitten so hard on his lower lip that it had begun to bleed.

Again he felt incredibly guilty. Dean’s anguish over the loss of his brother was still so great that his soul almost screamed his pain at him. Dean hardly managed to keep it in check, let alone suppress it.

Castiel was ashamed. His selfish, egoistic action had dragged all of this back to the surface. Because he couldn’t let him go. Because he loved it too much to watch him.

Because he enjoyed it too much to be so close to Dean now. To be allowed to touch him, to hug him.

The water was washing away the last drops of red when Castiel looked again in the shining, slightly reddened eyes.

Because of him, Dean had injured himself in an attempt to suppress his pain.

The rain was pouring down on Dean's face, and the angel was sure that Dean was at this very moment relieved about the storm which swept across them and hid his tears.

Because Dean had been crying. Castiel could feel it, even though the rain and the darkness had already washed the traces from his face.

Once again he repeated his words, directing them directly at Dean this time.

"I shouldn’t have come."

"No!"

The grip on his trench coat grew even tighter. Dean’s eyes bore into Castiel, didn’t let him go. For a moment, the angel didn’t know why he was here, why he should go, why he did anything at all.

"No! What do you mean, Cas?”, Dean shook his angel slightly, he endured it without any resistance.

Dean had every right to be angry...

"Why are you saying this bullshit? There is no reason why you shouldn’t have come, and damn it, there's no reason to apologize to me! At least not for being here now!"

"Dean...", Castiel began, but was ungraciously interrupted.

"You don’t have to apologize for anything Cas, for nothing at all... and certainly not for not forgetting me..." Dean voice faded towards the end and he finally dropped his gaze. Castiel suddenly felt liberated - and lost...

"But Dean, I’m hurting you. My appearance here caused you so much pain... because of Sam. So I think it is better if I leave again."

With a heavy heart Castiel broke the embrace in which he was still holding Dean and took his hands to gently untangle them from his coat.

"Damn it Castiel!"

Dean’s tense tone stopped him, and when he became aware of what Dean had said, he looked up. He had called him by his full name.

Again the angel met these green eyes, and then he couldn’t look away.

If Dean had addressed him with his full name his appearance here was probably even worse than he himself had ever suspected.

Dean looked at him grimly, and he didn’t allow Castiel to free his hands from his trench coat.

"This is absolute nonsense. You don’t hurt me by being here. And I'm glad to see you, don’t you get that? I was just... Well, you surprised me, okay? But that had nothing to do with you! So don’t hightail it immediately now again!" Dean clarified urgently.

"Dean...?", Castiel was confused. What was that supposed to mean? Dean didn’t want him to leave?

Was it after all not this bad that he had decided to abandon his cover?

‘Don’t apologize... for not having forgotten me...', Dean’s words crossed the angel’s mind again.

"I would never forget you. I couldn’t..."

"Cas?"

The angel hadn’t noticed that he had spoken the words out loud, loud enough for Dean to hear them.

He felt how - against his will and against all angelic self-control he could muster - a slight blush came to his cheeks, and he prayed to his Father that the darkness would hide it. Dean’s gaze was still fixed on the angel and Castiel thought he could see something lighting up in them, something he couldn’t name.

He still didn’t know very much about humans...

Finally, he gathered all his courage and returned Dean’s look.

"I've missed you, Dean..." he admitted quietly. Then Castiel waited for a reaction.


	7. Hoping

He wasn’t sure how Dean would react, and he was afraid he had gone too far.

An easy, honest smile spread over Dean’s lips. Castiel felt a little bit of the tension fall away.

Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t send Castiel away just yet.

"Cas," Dean loosened his grip a little, he didn’t hold Castiel in a grab no longer, but he still held him, and the hands of the angel were still on top of his own, "you're an idiot."

Castiel was confused. Why was Dean calling him an idiot, just because he had said that he missed him? That didn’t make sense.

"You're really such an idiot, Cas!"

Irritated the Angel cocked his head and looked at Dean questioningly. He still didn’t understand.

"If you missed me, then why didn’t you just come to me?"

For a moment there was silence between them, and Castiel needed each fraction of a second to understand what Dean had just said.

To understand what he meant.

Dean wouldn’t have sent him away if he had come to him.

"But-" Castiel didn’t know how to finish this sentence, what he had to ask Dean was so important. He had to understand it, and he did not understand. Did Dean really mean that he would have been allowed to visit him at any time?

"Dean, I-" Castiel paused again. How, just how should he say that?

Dean smiled when he saw the puzzled expression in Castiel's eyes.

"Hey Cas." The angel saw a glint in Dean’s eyes, but he was not sure whether Dean now laughed at or with him. Castiel hands lay on his back again, held, hugged him again. He didn’t know when he had done that. And Dean didn’t resist.

"What is it? You don’t normally stutter around like a directionless kitten in the rain.” He laughed when he saw the question in Castiel's eyes. "Forget it. That was a crappy comparison anyway."

"Dean." The angel only said his name, but with so much gravity in his voice that Dean’s smile immediately fell away. Castiel was sure that Dean could see the pain in his eyes, because the grip in his trench coat was firm again.

"Yes Cas?"

"Dean. Dean, do you mean that I could have come to you at any time?" the angel asked, and there was so much confusion and uncertainty in his voice that Dean had to swallow hard.

This question, this emphasis, this look, there was so little of the angel he had met back then. This was Castiel. Just Castiel.

A very human Castiel.

And they both knew.

And Castiel saw the smile on Dean’s lips return.

"Of course Cas. You could’ve always come. But I don’t understand why you didn’t just pop up on the doorstep - wait, not just turned up in the living room, if you wanted to actually stop by. Why didn’t you just flutter in?"

Castiel dropped his gaze. How he should respond to that? With the truth?

But he was afraid, so afraid, because what if he had still been right, in spite of everything?

Castiel shirked from Dean’s look, but that wasn’t easy, because they were still so close, his arms still held Dean, and Dean's hands were still clutching his trench coat and never seemed to want to let go again.

In the house the lights had long since gone dark.

The rain was getting stronger again.

Suddenly Castiel felt a blow to the chest, not very strong, but enough to get his attention. When he looked down he saw Dean’s flat hand lying on his chest.

He followed the hand over the shoulder to Dean's face. Dean looked at him, waiting with a raised eyebrow.

"Cas? An answer to the question would be nice.” It didn’t seem like Dean wanted to remove his hand from Castiel's chest in the near future.

The angel blinked. "I didn’t think-" he broke off. Dean raised the other eyebrow, as if to motivate him to continue talking.

Castiel took a deep breath. He would tell Dean. And hope that he wouldn’t immediately chase him away.

"I did not think that you would want to see me. I thought you had finished with all that, after Sam - Sam was gone. I thought that you wanted a normal life. Without demons. Without angels. Without me. You wanted to be a normal person Dean. You have this life here. You have a family. That was what you always wanted. And I don’t belong to this. I thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Because it hurts you."

Castiel had closed his eyes while he spoke. He didn’t want to see the look in Dean's eyes when he became aware that Castiel was right, when he remembered again everything what Castiel had done to him. He didn’t want to hear how Dean would chase him away, but he had to, if he really wanted to believe it. But he couldn’t look at him.

"It's all my fault. Because of me you've lost Sam, because of me you had to suffer so much. And I didn’t come to you because I don’t want to hurt you even more."

Castiel pressed his lips together and fell silent. He had said it all. Dean would send him away in a few moments.

The angel spread his wings. He couldn’t even look at him.

Again he felt a slight blow to the chest, but he didn’t open his eyes. He had completely forgotten that his arms were still resting around Dean.

He was about to loosen the embrace when he again felt a punch, but this time Dean had boxed him with his closed fist and all his strength.

"Cas damnit, open your eyes, you fucking idiot!"


	8. Finding

Castiel hesitated, but then he obeyed.

Dean’s face was so close that he had to tilt his head back a little to be able to look him in the eyes.

And Dean’s eyes shone.

"Damn Cas, how the hell did you come up with the idea that I don’t want to see you again? I didn’t send you away! You said goodbye and then you were gone, and then you weren’t heard from again! I've already started thinking something had happened to you, you moron! What got into you that you get the stupid idea that I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore?"

Dean’s eyes were piercing into Castiel’s, the angel didn’t manage to look away, let alone get out a whole sentence.

"But Dean,... But, I thought, because you..."

Dean’s hand moved from his chest over his shoulder to the back of his neck and held him there, dug its fingers into fabric and skin.

"What, Cas, what? Open your mouth already! Tell me, tell me already! Why didn’t you come to me, what have I said, what have I done? What have I done to you to chase you so far from me?"

Despair. Despair and anger, that was what Castiel heard in Dean's voice. He recognized it. He knew it, because he himself had felt it so often.

Castiel swallowed hard and pressed his lips together into a thin line.

Dean had not sent him away.

Dean had not meant their farewell back then as a farewell forever.

Dean had been worried about him.

Dean thought Castiel would have turned him away, just as Castiel thought Dean would have turned him down.

"Cas! Why?", Dean asked softly, and there was a plea in his voice that made Castiel feel as if his air had been cut off.

"You... you never called for me again Dean. You've never prayed to me or called me to you, and I thought you didn’t want me to..." Castiel's voice trailed off between the rain and the look in Dean's eyes.

Castiel had seen fear, despair and anger, sadness and confusion.

But now Dean’s eyes widened and Castiel saw only Green, shining, beautiful, bright Green, and _Dean understood_.

"Cas," he whispered, "oh Cas, great God, _Castiel_..." Dean’s voice was trembling, and the angel only understood why after Dean’s next sentence.

"Cas, damn, I'm so sorry! Oh holy shit, forgive me Cas, that - God damn, I didn’t want that, that's all my fault! Cas... forgive me, I never wanted that...", Dean's lips trembled and his eyes were wide open, as if to show Castiel that he wasn’t lying, that he meant every word.

Castiel would believe Dean anything. Every word for the rest of his existence, as long as he was still allowed to see Dean's face, to see those green eyes who looked at him so desperately, begging him, ‘ _The truth Castiel, it's the truth, please...'._

Dean blamed himself yet again for something that was beyond his capabilities, he took the blame for Castiel’s failure again, and Father - Dean was so _beautiful_. Castiel could see the glow of his soul almost with bare human eyes.

Dean mustn’t blame himself.

"Dean, don’t, please... it was my fault, I misunderstood you, please Dean, there is nothing to forgive, none of it was your fault-", Castiel tried to convince him. The grip on his neck tightened as Dean interrupted him. "-but it wasn’t your fault either Cas. Shit, we both seem to be complete idiots, right?", he murmured while a painful, but honest smile was slowly creeping onto his face. Castiel smiled back and nodded carefully.

Dean’s smile became warmer, and the hand in Castiel's neck pulled until Dean's forehead was resting against his. He had closed his eyes, and after a moment the angel copied him so he could concentrate on the feeling of being so close to Dean.

"Good God Cas...", Dean whispered, and the angel felt Dean's warm breath on his face, "I missed you so much..." Castiel opened his eyes astonished and saw Dean's face in front of him, eyes closed, completely relaxed, as if all the weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders.

He continued, and Castiel couldn’t look away from his face, from his lips, Dean talked to him, and they had both been so stupid...

"I really missed you so much... But you were gone so fast, and I had made a promise to... to Sammy, and I thought... well, you never came by, and I thought that you’re back to full time in Heaven, and I didn’t want to bother you just because I missed you, and I didn’t call you because, what would you want down here, with me? And you never came, and I thought that meant you didn’t want to see me anymore... I'm such an idiot, Castiel... and shit, I missed you so so much." Dean got quieter and quieter, but Castiel saw how his lips formed the words, and he noticed only now that his own mouth had dropped open in wonder. Dean... Dean had not only not sent him away, Dean had missed him, Dean would have wanted to see him again...!

And Dean was right, oh Father, they really both were fools. They had both tormented themselves, for so long, in vain.

Dean still wanted to be his friend. Dean had missed him...

Castiel suddenly felt warm, and that was strange, because it still stormed around them, and the rain was freezing cold. But Dean stood before him, one hand buried in his trench coat, the other clutching his neck, and his head leaned against Castiel’s.

Castiel had Dean back. If Dean would allow it, if Dean wished so, Castiel would visit him from now on every day, he would always be there when Dean needed help, because Dean hadn’t rejected him, and Dean wanted to continue to be his friend. Castiel couldn’t remember ever having been happier.

And Castiel felt a deep, warm smile spread across his face. He put his arms a little tighter around Dean, and he felt the fingers on his neck move to his hairline.

"Thank you Dean... and you're right; we are both... complete idiots." Dean's eyes remained closed, but Castiel could see how his mouth twitched upwards in a small smile, and he felt something clench in his chest. What was that? He had Dean, Castiel finally had Dean back, but somehow... it was no longer enough...

No. It was enough, had to be enough, Castiel would be a friend to Dean, a true friend. It was all Dean wanted, all he himself had ever wanted to have back again, and it was exactly what he would give him.

But Dean's fingers were at his hairline, and Castiel's hands were on his back, almost at his hips, and Dean's forehead was leaning against his, his face just centimetres from Castiel, and Castiel could not imagine to ever let him go.

"Cas..." Dean's eyes were open, staring at him quizzically, puzzled. "Everything okay?" His fingertips run through Castiel's soaking-wet hair, and the angel exhaled shakily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more left to go!
> 
> So, I translated this chapter right after I watched the last episode of Yuri on Ice, and a day after a truck ran into the christmas market here in Germany, so Im... well, both undertonely sad and tired but also giddily happy at the same time...  
> Which fits this fic pretty perfectly Id say.
> 
> So, this chapter is for the people who right now are in the worst pain of their lives, with the hope that it will get better again and the reminder that it was not always this dark and that it will not stay this way forever.


	9. United

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. This is the last chapter of this story. I finally finished it!  
> So. You know, enjoy ;)  
> And please leave me a kudo or a comment!

 

 

 

"Everything is fine Dean. I... I just thought, since you have now a family you love, that there would be no place for me in your life. I'm glad to have you back, as... friend."

The last word hurt, and at the same time it made Castiel so happy to be able to say it again. Dean Winchester was once again his friend, had always been, and he was so grateful, so happy to have him back, but Father - at the same time it just wasn’t enough anymore. Castiel didn’t understand.

Dean ran his tongue over his lips. Castiel stopped thinking.

"Ah, Cas, you see... well, not that the two aren’t great and all, but..." Dean trailed off, and the easy tone disappeared just as quickly as it had come as he lowered his eyes.

"I had promised Sammy something Cas... no less, but also no more than that. And damned if I'd known...", he whispered, before he fell silent again.

"Dean...didn’t you always want to have a family? Don’t you have everything you wanted now?", Castiel asked. Dean had to be fine, and no matter what he had to do, he would make sure that Dean was happy.

Dean's head jerked up a bit as he stared at Castiel. "Fuck yes Cas! But not like this! Damn, I never wanted this! I don’t have everything I want, and not the family I wanted! Shitty substitute for the real thing..."

Castiel felt his heart make a strange little leap, which surely shouldn’t be possible for the human body.

He stared back at Dean's green, anxious eyes, just centimetres from his. He would do anything for Dean. Everything.

"Then what is it that you want, Dean? Please..." Castiel's grip on Dean grew harder, and he felt Dean's fingernails as they dug into his skin.

Dean blinked, but he didn’t look away. Castiel saw how he took a deep breath, exhaled, inhaled, as if he was gathering strength.

"I... it wasn’t bad here, okay, but, I... it's... something’s missing. Someone."

Castiel nodded carefully, without losing the contact to Dean. "Sam.", he whispered, barely audible. Dean’s gaze fell on his mouth for a second, as if he was reading the word. A sad smile passed over his face, just for a moment.

"God, yes, but...", and again he ran his tongue over his lips, biting his lower lip before he chuckled.

"Man, Cas... You‘re such an idiot sometimes."

"Dean, what...?" Castiel frowned, that Dean was missing his brother was so obvious, so what had he done wrong now?

"I miss Sam, okay, and I miss him so much that I sometimes feel as if I’m missing an arm or a leg, Cas, and it hurts. But... Sam is gone. I - I know that he's gone”, Dean paused, and the way he looked at Castiel was filled with deep pain, pain which appeared small and pale beside a new, iron determination. And there was something else in Dean's eyes, a quiet, cautious... hope?

Castiel didn’t know what Dean hoped for. He didn’t know what Dean wanted, what he wanted more than the family that he had now.

Castiel knew only one thing: whatever Dean wanted, what he longed for behind this determination - Castiel would do everything in his power to fulfill this wish.

The corner of Dean’s mouth twitched upward as Castiel looked back equally determined. He whispered "I-", and, with an uncertain glance to the side, broke off again.

"Dean? Are you all right?" the angel asked softly, and Dean let out a short, almost hysterical laugh, before he took another deep breath and looked in Castiel's eyes again.

"Cas. You. You're missing here. This isn’t my home, I-", Dean stopped again, and Castiel felt his hectic, short breaths on his skin, felt how his fingers dug into his hair, and allowed for the first time in a long, long time the emotion that now shone in Deans eyes to be.

Hope. Just a little, a tiny bit of hope, just enough that Dean could see it on his face, this small spark of something that he thought he had suffocated an eternity ago.

Dean let out a sigh of relief, and the next words Castiel heard were gentle, still so, so careful, a little shaky, but they were there.

"Cas, I need you." Dean took a deep breath, and his chest touched against Castiel’s, his hand now between their bodies, still clutching Castiel's trenchcoat.

"You’re my family, you're all I've got left, you're all I need, you're everything I want, I-"

Their noses touched, and Castiel knew that the same smile he saw on Dean’s lips was playing on his, uncertain, expectant, a little panicked, but so, so full of hope.

"Dean?" Castiel whispered, and there was something in Dean's eyes that told him that he had been right, and that he had been wrong, for so long, and that he wasn’t alone.

Dean was braver than Castiel, so much braver, and he had dared to reveal something to Castiel even though he was afraid of his reaction, and Castiel now knew that it was on him.

Dean had brought them so far, and Castiel was afraid, so afraid to maybe still be wrong, but he owed it to Dean, and what if he was right, if what Dean was trying to say, if what he saw in his eyes was real...

Castiel felt Dean's eyes - bright, hopeful, anxious, beautiful green eyes – on him, and he gathered all the courage he could find, this was not a mistake, and he needed every bit of determination in his being to finally say what Dean, Dean, Dean had deserved to hear for so long.

"Dean, I-"

"I love you."

Castiel stopped breathing. Dean grinned at him, a grin that normally was always full of confidence, but now seemed to consist only of relief and hope.

Castiel felt like something snapped free inside him. He didn’t know what it was, he didn’t know how it had happened, but he knew if he spread his wings at this moment, he would fly faster than ever, more easily than he had ever thought possible.

Dean ran his tongue over his lips.

Castiel's eyes followed the movement, and he realized that his own mouth was standing open, halfway through the sentence Dean’s confession had interrupted.

Dean tried an uncertain smile, and the angel shut his mouth with a quiet click.

"...Cas?"

Dean.

Dean had said...

Dean had said that he loved him.

Dean loved him.

Him. Castiel.

Dean loved him.

Castiel took a sharp breath and felt how the oxygen distributed in his body, how his blood rushed through his veins, how his heart began to race, how his feathers rustled and his wings quivered with excitement.

Dean loved him.

Dean had one hand buried in his trench coat and the other in his hair.

Dean leaned with his forehead against Castiel’s, Castiel held Dean in an embrace that couldn’t be closer without hurting him.

Dean looked at him.

"Cas?"

Dean waited for an answer.

And he got more nervous by the second.

Castiel felt how his mouth - not quite against his will - broke into a wide, wild grin, how a quiet, ecstatic laugh left his lips and touched Deans face.

Castiel saw how the nervousness on Dean’s face disappeared as he opened his mouth to repeat it once more.

"I love you, Cas." Castiel could hear the laughter in his voice, the unbelieving joy that shone at him from Dean’s eyes.

He wrapped his arms tighter around Dean, trying to draw him closer to himself.

The words found their way without difficulty.

"I love you too, Dean."

Castiel felt how Dean breathed in, how his muscles relaxed, how he sank against Castiel, how his fingers ran through his hair and his other hand found its way to his neck.

Dean laughed, and Castiel felt it in every corner of his being.

"Cas, we’re complete idiots, right?", Dean muttered while his gaze drifted from Castiel's eyes to his lips and back.

Castiel nodded carefully, Dean’s forehead still leaning against his, their faces only millimetres apart. Their noses touched, and Dean grinned.

"I love you Dean."

Dean’s eyes sparkled, and he was the most beautiful thing Castiel had ever seen.

"I love you Cas."

And as Dean's lips met Castiel’s, all pain was forgotten.


End file.
